Honesty is the best policy and I want to make sure that I don’t hold things in. You know? But, 2018 has just started and I am already feeling a whirlwind of emotions.

I am just overcome with this weird feeling that I can’t seem to shake and I am sure that I am not alone when it comes to feeling this way. Being dependent on people. I am very much an independent person when it comes to loving being alone, driving instead of being a passenger, and being productive by myself. Maybe being dependent isn’t a bad thing but it is when I can’t seem to eat without having company. I think that it is nice, don’t get me wrong. But, when I forgot my lunch on Thursday, I was about to skip my lunch meal because I didn’t want to eat by myself.

I overcame it by sending my sister texts to “just do it” and went to Zaxby’s and picked up some food. It wasn’t so bad once I sat in my studio and just started to eat and watch an episode of Gossip Girl. However, I do not want to be trapped in the quicksand that is being dependent and forgetting to be independent and enjoying that freedom. As many of you know, I love to travel alone and really take in the environment and world. Maybe it is because I am in school right now and with so many people around I feel alone. An odd feeling but I thought that this would be good to just let out and express.

Now, I have this one friend who is in another state on an internship, an amazing one that sounds awesome. She is having fun and we have been talking on Snapchat since the beginning of the year consistently. I was in the studio on Tuesday and my other friend got a call from the one on an internship and I felt hurt. I am not really a person who likes to talk on the phone but I feel that phone conversations really elevate a relationship when there is distance physically or time. I was doing work and pretending not to know that she was on the phone but when my friend told the other that I was in the room, I said, “hello.” I probably should have just said that it hurt my feelings a little but we never took initiative in that way. However, I saw her Snapchat the following evening and she definitely wanted to call me. I think that she may have sensed that I was hurt and I think that we are close enough friends for her to know what emotional state I am in or how much I overthink.

Right now, I am typing this last section and also not eating dinner. Why? Well, it is because I am going through a bit of anxiety because a group of friends is over and there are too many people. By too many people there are 7 people right now. We moved to a smaller house almost one year ago and space, to me, is smaller but enough for me, my sister, and our roommate. I know that it probably does sound odd that I am hiding in my room and avoiding friends but I just don’t feel up to seeing people. Is that odd? No. But avoiding people and not eating to avoid them is.

Anyway, the first week of classes is done and that was the last time I will have the first week of classes at my college!

How has everyone’s week been? I want to hear it! Also, my Berlin posts are happening now so expect them starting next week!

Side note: I did end up eating around 10pm after everyone left.

-Tiffany

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