*This is going to be a long post, sorry!**Also, this will be a lot of my thoughts just written down because I am trying to cope with jealousy at the moment.*
Well, yesterday was a great day and it ended on a sour note, due to my own personal struggle to deal with jealousy. I haven’t had to deal with this in such a long time because my best friend is in New York and I know that she is living her life and all of that. I know that I can trust to know that she will be there for me like I will be there for her. We have had over three years to build that kind of trust and security in our relationship. At least, I have.
A new friend, who I met this semester, is a really sweet and kind person. She is great and I think that we could be really great friends by the end of my time at my university. However, I am so cautious of my relationships with people, especially someone I know well too. So…we will call them F1 and F2 in this situation. Here is some backstory: F1 is a person that I met on my third day of orientation, she is a second year, and then I ended up on a team with her. We have been pretty good friends and she is really nice and we have had almost all of our classes together. I have gotten to know her as a person outside of classes and she is just an all around social person, even though she says she isn’t. She easily makes friends, in my opinion. F2 is a person that I met in one of my classes, she is a first year, and we hit it off because I met her when I interviewed at my new university. We have hung out on multiple occasions off campus and have had really good conversation. She is a great person who has a lot to learn and a lot to offer someone who is an introvert, aka ME, because she is extremely easy going and doesn’t push me.
Now, I generally hang out with people in small groups or just with one person, but this go around yesterday I went to a small get together. F1 was hosting and F2 came around 5. They hit it off immediately, sure they had talked to each other before, but when F1 took F2 to show her, her room, they came back and were exchanging numbers and already had plans for today. I know, I am kind of crazy in this sense because it is none of my business. I just don’t know why I am so insecure in my ability to just trust people and know that I will still be friends with both of them no matter what happens.
Fun Fact: (is this really going to be a fun fact?) While typing this, I went on my Facebook to type a message to F2 to hang out and then I just deleted it because I don’t need to plan a “jealousy hang out.” What is a “jealousy hang out”? For me, that is when someone plans something in spite of someone else because they hung out with someone you know too without inviting you. I don’t need to be in other people’s business or life every single second of the day because I wouldn’t appreciate someone being like that with me.
So, what is going to happen now? Well, I am just going to let it go and know that I am going to be okay. Just because two people I know hang out, does not mean anything. I think that the reason I am so nervous about two people who I have grown to know hanging out is that they will end up becoming better friends and it would leave me at square one with no friend in them at all. I am afraid to let people in and then losing them because they don’t “need” me anymore. Although, I just need to give them both more credit because I know that they wouldn’t ditch me without good reason.