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I have anxiety and I know it. I think that some people out there are concerned when they realize they have anxiety and have trouble accepting it. I have noticed at a young age that I had anxiety, even when I didn’t know the word, and I have struggled. I am little better in situations that cause me anxiety but that doesn’t mean that I don’t stress out like crazy.

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I wish that I had saved the image that told me that I had an anxiety attack a while back. I wrote the whole post out and then thought that I would be seen as crazy or insane for freaking out about something that really isn’t that big of a problem. I honestly thought that I was having a mental breakdown because I was crying and having trouble understanding what was wrong with me. Thinking back on it now I wish I had known what an anxiety attack was. An anxiety attack isn’t over dramatized, though it can be, and it can be over-analyzing of a situation/friendships/life. Also, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) can take over a person and they must finish the task that is important at that moment. The latter is what happened to me.

I would appreciate if you would be as understanding as you can be. I hope that this helps someone and I hope that you know that opening up to people and telling them your struggles that they will understand and be there for you.

Here we go:

This is quite possibly the most personal post I have posted and I hope that you won’t be too shocked by any of this. I promise that I am okay right now! Thanks Fleeters ❤

I just pulled this from wikipedia but it perfectly describes what I went through after my parents came to visit: Mental breakdown (also known as a nervous breakdown or to snap) is a colloquial term for an acute, time-limited psychiatric disorder that manifests primarily as severe stress-induced depression, anxiety, or dissociation in a previously functional individual, to the extent that they are no longer able to function on a day-to-day basis until the disorder is resolved.

My parents had come to help put some stuff together for me and my sister. I was 100% okay and felt happy that they had come to visit. When my dad was putting things together, he was using his power tools to cut wood and metal. Everything he was cutting was right by my office space in the garage, my safe zone. I have a bit of trouble with being clean, as in, I am overtly clean. I Lysol everything from my flips flops to anything that has been touched by the pets in the house, everything. I make sure that my safe zone is clean and pristine. I don’t like to be in a place that has less than (my) standard way of cleanliness. So, when my space had wood and metal debris all over, I nearly lost it. I cried in a separate room because the idea of having to scrub, Lysol, and clean everything in my office was driving me mad and made me irritable.

My parents and brother were leaving and, being the youngest, I don’t particularly like to be separated. After they were gone I cried for a couple of minutes, went to the shower, cried, and then went into the garage to clean. I scrubbed all my possessions on my desk, I used Lysol and vacuum multiple times on the carpet, and I went through the last 3/4 of my Clorox wipes container. I honestly had to keep cleaning or I would just not be okay. My sister left me alone because she had tried to talk me down but I couldn’t stop until I was done.

I kept telling myself, mentally, that I didn’t need to freak out so much as to vacuum and Lysol my carpet four times in a row but I couldn’t stop until I felt it was okay to even step onto the carpet. I nearly exhausted one of my Lysol cans because I doused the room in the scent of the strong smell. I used Clorox and Lysol on my tables and made sure that I had gotten it all. I also took off my bed sheet that covered my comfy chair because my dad had sat in it. He hadn’t been dirty, just outside. I don’t like to go outside, even for a second, and then come back like I hadn’t been exposed to the “outside world”. I go take a shower and feel better. I am only in my “safe zone” when I haven’t been outside if I can help it, which is 95% of the time.

So, there you have it. I have an obsession with being clean and it has gotten to the point where I have a high-stress level.

-The Mermaid Network