I still know I am no where near getting to a place where I have accepted that I am not an awful person. However, I don’t feel that I made the right decisions for myself these past few days.
Honestly, I have been wondering about this hangout i just had. I invited a bunch of people to come and some couldn’t make it but a lot of them did which was great. I didn’t get to hang out with them all but I got to talk to most of them. The issue is the two people I wasn’t sure about inviting. I didn’t invite one person because she has never been genuinely nice to me or initiated conversation that didn’t benefit her or interest her. I remember trying to have a conversation with her multiple times and she just wouldn’t have it. Now that I am working on the same production she is, it is like she is trying be nice. The awkward thing now is that I am relatively good with everyone in the cast minus three of them, her included. I just don’t get a “good” vibe from being around her, she makes the good juju go down for me.
The other person I hadn’t invited is her best friend and they practically go everywhere together. I honestly wouldn’t have minded her going but knew she would have invited the girl above.
I think it might be karma or something since the two ended up coming to eat with all of us. Now, I never said that someone couldn’t come. I always said that the lunch was open for everyone and I wonder if they both will think that I excluded them on purpose. Which, in a sense, I did, but it wasn’t intentional that I didn’t want to be around them. If the past were different or if I were on good terms with them, However, it wasn’t and I guess you can argue that it was intentional, but I never closed off someone from coming.
I need to know: Does this make me an awful person?
I think I am an awful person because I don’t feel good with interaction with people and this just didn’t do it for me. I feel as though I have nothing in life that is so exciting for me at this point, right now. Am I just in a rut?